Last night was my daughter's first time going to bed without being nursed to sleep. In her short little life she has snuggled in my arms and against my chest several times a day and night. Now that closeness is gone forever, torn abruptly from us when my doctor's nurse let me know that I had to choose between my medication and and nursing. As much as it hurts me, I had to choose to keep taking my medicine rather than continue nursing my sweet girl.
The medicine is for ADHD, which I long suspected I have but never sought treatment for until recently. The psychiatrist confirmed it and started me on medicine that has had astounding results. I've gone from having an extremely short attention span, no focus, a very limited ability to stay on task, and a very hard time with time management to well, the complete opposite. My brain has gone from feeling like ideas written on note cards that someone has tossed willy-nilly in the air to ideas written on note cards that are carefully ordered in a neat little pile. That is something I am not willing to give up.
I'll always miss our nursing relationship. For nearly two and a half years I held her in my arms, our bare tummies touching, and her little mouth sucking hungrily at my breast. Tonight, I also held her in my arms, but this time my shirt was down and I was completely covered. She snuggled under a blanket and I watched her eyelids grow heavy as she watched The Batman. She fell asleep cradled in my arms, and then I gently laid her in bed. I'm looking forward to many, many nights holding my princess while she drifts to sleep.